Acting White

I remember them calling me a white girl..because I spoke like I was educated..liked country music..had a Passion for poetry..was into modeling and acting..had a heart that never stayed bitter..and did not discriminate against who I dated or hung around..they picked on me..so over time with me being young and impressionable..I started to change to be more like them so I could be accepted..and here I am 30 years later..realizing I was NEVER that person..matter of fact I didn’t even like her..which explains why I was never happy until now…I went back and Reclaimed ASHLEE..and she is AWESOME!! We often forget who we are trying to impress others trying to fit into these circles and we are squares. We weren't meant to fit into anything but the skin that we are in. It took a long time for me to be proud of my differences its kind of hard to do being the odd one out. When I moved to the North side of town I didnt understand much of anything especially how angry some of the people were. I was coming from schools were I was the minority to a school that I was the majority and I was treated worse there than I was ever treated on the other side of town. I would be asked questions like "Why do you put grease in your hair?" or if a new dance like the running man or the roger rabbit came out I was expected to know how to do it, but that was about it. They were just showing that they didnt understand but on the North side it was different. I looked like them but I didnt act like them and since they didnt understand they automatically charged it off as if something was wrong with me they never took the time to ask any questions that would have given them a better understanding. I was talked about silly shit like "she think she all that" or "she act white. "What the fuck is acting white anyway?" "How do u act a color" If I say "act purple", please tell me exactly what you are going to do? I guess maybe it was because I spoke properly, at that time I didnt know the hottest music, and had never seen any of the hood classics like Boyz n the Hood and Menace to Society. To be honest I still havent seen a majority of of those movies there is nothing enjoyable to me about my people doing ignorant shit. I know they are just movies but I dont have to watch that shit, all I have to do is open a newspaper and there are true stories just like those  movies that are in black and white. My highschool years were when I learned the immediate disconnect between black and white people, we have totally different ways of thinking. Black people are more closed minded and negative, NOT ALL BLACK PEOPLE, but a vast majority. Most fear what they dont know and think they know everything. But what bothered me the most was when I was "acting white" (whatever that is) they used to say I thought I was too good. The funny thing was I thought I was the same as them a black teenager. Which left me to ask, was the reason they said I acted like I was to good for them because of my "acting white" or was it because of a deep seated feeling within them that white people where better than them? I mean that is the only way to justify them saying me "acting white" and "acting like Im better than them" in the same sentence. Especially when I had no problem whatsoever with them, they disliked me, I didnt dislike them. They disliked themselves. So to prove to them that we were no different I "dumbed" myself down, did things that were completely out of my character, and started to change, all this for a little bit of acceptance. I failed myself. As I have grown I realized that I should have stood strong in who I was because maybe I could have opened a few minds. I should have let them know that there was nothing wrong with knowing how to speak proper english, my proper english is the reason that I can walk into any office environment and walk out with a simple clerical job. I should have let them know that to only listen to one genre of music is limiting yourself and its ok to broaden their horizons. I should have helped them to change negative ways of thinking and views of the world. But most of all, I should have let them know its okay do be yourself, you dont have follow the trends of your community because you were made to be diverse. If I had just known then what I know now, I would have told them, as long as you are thinking, acting, speaking and dressing like the trends, you will always be on the same level as them. They are followers and you, you were born to be a trendsetter. There are some ways about me that I learned from the hood, that will ALWAYS be a part of me, I still have the ability to go from Dr. office receptionist to hood bitch in a matter of minutes given the right situation. So its in me but it isnt who I am. I thank God for the opportunity to actually live within both cultures because I was able to pick up on the best of both worlds. I was able to see that no two were better than the other there are ratchett ass white people as well as ratchett ass black people one is just shown in the media more than the other. I love my people in all of their beauty. I just want us to learn to love ourselves.